Get ready for me to geek out. Probably two people who have ever read this blog will find this interesting. As a result, almost all of this is behind the jump.

So I work for an undisclosed company on undisclosed web projects. Point is, I saw a proposal from an anonymous corporate communications company today that made me vomit into a bag when I left my cubicle. Read More!

WHY ARE YOU STILL ON THE SHOW?!?!?!?!

Seriously, every week the judges complain about how Lisa doesn’t season her food properly. In my eyes that’s a cardinal sin and shows that she just has no tastebuds… because all of her “confessionals” are her talking about how her “flavors are there.” There’s also tons of clips of her tasting stuff and pondering whether it needs more salt or sweet or whatever. I just want to grab and twist her neck fat every time she makes a negative comment and acts overconfident in the ability she doesn’t have compared to the other chefs. Read More!

So this last weekend was a big movie weekend for me. Not only did I see Sex and the City but I also saw a superior but still awful movie called The Strangers. I went in with fairly high hopes for a trashy, fun horror movie, but unfortunately its only redeeming factor was that you get to see [SPOILER ALERT, ASSHOLES!!!] Liv Tyler get gutted like a fish. Reasons why the movie failed:

• Scott Speedman does not get naked.
• The killers were totally unexplained. While I realize that was the point that was supposed to make them scary, they would be WAY scarier if they were made out to be crazed meth addicts. I mean… really if you’re out on a killing spree at 5am I have a feeling you had a date with Tina that night, and the faces of meth are terrifying (with the exception of the one lady who just turns into Helena Bonham Carter from Harry Potter). Basically I never understood why they had what seemed to be super powers and secret access to any room in the house.
• Overuse of the gimmick where the killer lurks in the background of the mise en scene unbeknownst to the protagonist on screen.
• The masks the killers wore that concealed their identities the entire movie just weren’s scary.

And on that note, I had some ideas for some masks the killers could wear that would definately make the movie 3.7 times more terrifying (as confirmed by my anecdotal market research of friends via Gchat). Read More!

Guess what? I did you all a huge favor. I made some crappy clips of the movie on my tiny hand held videocam, so now you NEVER have to see the movie because you can see all the pivotal scenes and female squealing you want right here on the interwebs. I broke this down into the three key scenes anyone might see this horrible endorsement of both consumerism and the general enslavement of the female population.

#1 Carrie changes into some outfits.

#2 The pivotal scene where Big leaves Carrie at the altar.

#3 And of course, Charlotte pooping herself.

Now that I’ve made your life complete you can go ahead and hang yourself with your chunky belt you got at Anthopologie because you couldn’t afford Marc Jacobs. That is unless YouTube has taken these down by the time you read this… let’s see how long this lasts.

Know what I once liked but have grown to hate? Motherfucking Sex and the City.

I have a plan for the movie coming out this weekend. Basically I am going to sneak a flask into the theater, heckle the movie, and basically make the movie an unpleasant experience for it’s droves of fans that just can’t seem to see that Sex and the City is slowly destroying everything that makes New York actually great with it’s nuclear fire breath and laser eyes.

Gabe Liedman and I had a little chat the other day and I think we have this down. Read More!

Remember the recipe I posted for a successful brunch, a couple entries down?

This is what it looks like when you add homemade homefries and a salad:

Isn’t it amazing to have actual original pictures and NOT rely on Google image search to illustrate one’s writing?

And yes, that is wild cold smoked salmon. Where can you get wild cold smoked salmon, you might ask? I splurged in this instance and went to Russ & Daughters but the thrifty and early to rise can find a wholesale store for individuals consumers at ACME Smoked Fish Co. in Greenpoint every Friday morning from 8am to noon for walk-ins. Wild Alaskan salmon is one of the few sources of sustainable wild fishing in the world and is a wonderful thing to support.

After six plates like this had been consumed, there was a lot of hollandaise left over, so I sat in the corner of my backyard and shovelled it into my face with my hands, like a bear with a pot of honey. Good times.

I have a friend. We’ll call him Marlie Cholsky to prtect his identity. If you’re like Harriet The Spy and want to know who this is, you can figure it out as he sometimes comments on this blog.

Well Marlie Cholsky had a european friend named Marcello (pronounced Mar-chell-o, because he’s euro, duh). Well, Cholsky and his girl friends were wondering if Marcello was gay or just European. It’s hard to tell. He sometimes talked about girls, and sometimes he talked about guys, and basically was a whole mess of sexual confusion to us Americans who need boundaries and labels in order to get our flirt on. One day, Cholsky receives a message, “I was wondering if you and your friends would like to go to brrrrrrrrrrunch?”

This sealed the deal. Marcello obviously loved men. Because only a homo would would invite a group of friends to brunch in advance and role all the r’s in the word with such ease and familiarity.

And in honor of memorial day, I thought I’d share an easy recipe for eggs benedict so that you can have all your faggy friends over or just make something for that special trick you woke up with. Read More!

I recently found out via a comment about my last Muxtape that, like myself, my friend Hannah loves to sit in her room and listen to depressing music! Also, I learned that we both have what we consider to be excellent taste in emotional music! And since we’re really emotionally complex people who need to just feel things, we’re having a competition for which of us can make the saddest mix in the world.

Both of us had the same difficulty with this. There’s just so much depressing music that we both love. Limiting our Muxtape to 12 songs made us both feel like the mixes had certain inadequacies. Needless to say, Hannah brough her A-game. Both of the mixes available after the jump. Read More!

So apparently people have been doing this sort of thing for a long time, as evidenced by the existence of the site Jowler, but I just learned about this over the weekend so I’m going to write about it like it’s news.

I threw a BBQ and we played a game called “Shakeface” where you make your face go slack, shake your head as hard as you can, and then take a photo. What you end up with is a picture that looks like what you could look like had you been born with some sort of serious retardation. It’s the best game because it is completely and totally headache inducing and pointless.
Below is my Shakeface.

More after the jump. Photos by good friend Kyle.

Read More!

Remember my sworn vendetta against Josh and Josh Are Rich And Famous and all they stand for?

Thanks to the wonderful Vagenius, this little gem has just come my way. It appears one of the Joshes posted the following picture picture on his facebook with the caption “hanky code 101.”

Josh, what you are advertising is a little more than “101.” This is more like a full on PhD in ass gymnastics. According to this online guide to the hanky codes, a red hanky in the right hand back pocket means that that the wearer is looking to receive a good fisting. Josh Koll — you slut! That sort of behavior will not land you the sort of gay, married lifestyle recently featured in the NYT you are so very jealous of. You’re much more likely to just end up with a prolapsed rectum.